so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
