a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Randomize
