I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
