Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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