I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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