i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
