Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
