I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
