can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
