I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Randomize
