i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
