i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
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We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
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Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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