Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Randomize
