True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
