It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
