Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I don't deserve a penis
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
