my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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