someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
