So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
it's great music for shaving your balls
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
