Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
