peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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