I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
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If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
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I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?