apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
21 MILFs That Made The Boys Crazy
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
23 Ladies Who Have Mastered The Art Of Squirting
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like