im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
