i jhust puked up my retainher.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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