It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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