I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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