Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
