just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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