It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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