If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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