I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
