I accidentally had phone sex last night
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
