wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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