you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
