there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I licked your asshole in confidence.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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