Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
