Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
