Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Couch. On fire.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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