So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
he fucked my hip out of place.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
