Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
she told me i tasted like america
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
