It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
