I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We have started to decorate penises.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
