I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
