We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
