Please, let me fuck your mom
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
