things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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