I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
