i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
