Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Barsexuality is the new black.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
