I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
