His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It's shark week go big or go home
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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