I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
