puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
