True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
