his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
