Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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