So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Randomize
