i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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