hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.