I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
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Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
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so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
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