So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
