Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
she peed on how many people?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas