Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
