and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
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No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
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You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize